Wounds Invisible
by Fingersnaps
Summary: Ducky discusses life and love with his former assistant, Gerald Jackson. This story contains discussion of romantic love between men, if you're uncomfortable with such a concept, please go no further.


7

**Wounds Invisible**

_Author's Note: This was written in response to the 'Ducky's Digressions' challenge on NFA. The requirement was to take one of Ducky's stories and elaborate on it, or place it in some kind of context. I'm posting it here in case any Ducky fans out there might want to read._

_If anyone's interested I haven't abandoned 'Negligent Homicide' but the deadline for this challenge is looming so I had to get it done._

Ducky bustled into Autopsy, shaking the water off his raincoat as he walked through the sliding doors, he stopped in his tracks when he saw he wasn't the first person in Autopsy that wet and windy morning. "Gerald! How wonderful to see you. It has been an age since you were last here."

"Bad memories. It's been five years..."

"Indeed." Ducky ushered his former assistant to a chair. "Sit dear boy, and we'll have a cup of tea. Or would you rather we went elsewhere?"

Gerald Jackson hadn't been in this place since the day Ari put a bullet in his shoulder. He'd almost called the ME and asked to meet him at a nearby coffee shop, but in the end he'd decided to face the demon of remembrance waiting for him in Autopsy. "This…here is fine Dr Mallard, high time I came back, if only to prove to myself Ari isn't hiding in the shadows."

Ducky smiled and switched on the kettle. "He's long gone Gerald, and for heaven's sake, how many times must I say it? Please call me Ducky."

"Old habits are hard to break."

"Very true, look at me, I simply can't function without my cup of tea before I start work."

"Sometimes…I miss the talks we used to have when we had our morning drink." He saw the incredulous expression on his mentor's face. "It's true!"

"Even my rambling yarns."

"I miss them most of all." Gerald swallowed hard in a vain attempt to stop the tears. "I'm so…sorry Doc…Ducky."

"My dear boy, this is my fault. Being here, it's too much, we shall leave immediately."

"No…it's not the place, it…it's me. I ruin everything."

"Arrant nonsense! Now let me make the tea and you can tell me what brings you here."

Gerald reached into his pocket for a Kleenex, he'd been close to tears so often the last few days, he was always sure to have a good supply of tissues to hand.

"Do you still take milk and sugar?"

"Milk please, no sugar, trying to be healthier."

"A fine ambition, here we go."

Gerald smiled broadly as he saw the white china mug boldly emblazoned with a gold G. "You kept this?"

"I always hoped you would find your way down here one day. Now Gerald, please tell me what is troubling you. Are you having difficulties at school?"

"No; the work is hard, but I love it, and I can't thank you enough for your letter of recommendation."

It was a great relief to Ducky that Gerald's obvious distress was not caused by his studies. He'd been so proud when Gerald told him he wanted to go to medical school, a simple letter was little enough; Ducky would have moved mountains to help him. "I'm pleased it's going well. Can you tell me, if it isn't the work…?"

Gerald stared into his mug for a full minute before saying one word. "Philip."

"What happened? I thought things were going well between you."

"They were, he…I love him, but he's moving so fast, he wants to tell his family."

"They don't know he's gay?"

"That's not the problem, they know…he wants them to meet me, can you imagine how that's going to work out? His family, the Tilsons, they're like DC royalty, and me…look at me."

"What, pray tell is wrong with you?" Gerald looked so despondent Ducky was tempted to offer the sympathy he no doubt craved, but this felt more like the time for a few home truths. "You're making this about colour?"

"What else would it be about?" Gerald gave a bitter laugh. "We're from different worlds Ducky, it won't work."

"Poppycock! Have you introduced Philip to your mother?"

"Oh yeah, a month ago, they got on great, she loves him."

"So she wasn't upset by the fact he's white?"

"No! She…Mom just wants me to be happy."

"Then won't Philip's family want the same for him?"

"They want what's best for their son I guess, and I'm thinking that doesn't mean some blue-collar black guy from a part of town they probably don't know exists. His dad is head of a multi-million dollar corporation, they have a yacht for goodness sake. What do I have?"

"You have Philip Tilson's love, a mother who adores you, wonderful career prospects and friends who care…from where I sit you have a very great deal."

"I'm a jerk I know, but…"

"You're scared."

"I never felt this way about anyone before, together…we're so happy, but this. If his parents turn on him, refuse to have me in the house, will he have to choose, and if he does, who will he choose? I don't want to lose him."

"Then talk to him, tell him your fears, tell him how you feel about him, love…it's a precious thing Gerald, hold on to it."

Gerald smiled a little at Ducky's vehemence. "Sounds like the voice of experience."

With a gentle laugh Ducky nodded. "I have known love it's true, at times I even thought I had met the one special person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life." He laid his hand on Gerald's arm. "Tell me the truth, is Philip your special person?"

"I can't imagine life without him."

"Then don't let him go!" Ducky took a sip of tea, taking a few moments to collect his thoughts. "Did I ever tell you about the promising basso-profundo who collapsed and died during an Otello aria?"

Gerald grinned. "I think I missed that, but I bet it's actually interesting."

"I see you are as insolent as ever." Ducky was smiling, but there was sadness in his eyes. "It's relevant to the matter at hand I think. You see, I knew him, not well but enough to know the world was poorer for his passing. Kurt Lindner, just twenty-seven years of age, his whole life ahead…He had a voice of such depth and power, a certainty for operatic stardom, but most important he was a perfectly lovely man, and my cousin Edward adored him."

"I'm so sorry Ducky, I shouldn't have said…earlier, this is sad."

"True, but the real tragedy is that they were never together. It was more difficult in those days of course, homosexuality had only just been decriminalised, but it was plain for all to see, they loved each other. Edward's family…my family, were rather traditional about such matters, and Eddy tried so hard to 'conform', but love cannot be denied. Seeing him with Kurt, it was as if a new man had been born, he was relaxed, and happy, so happy…I never knew two people laugh so much…" Ducky shivered a little, it was always hard remembering that night.

"Ducky…did they have much time, before Kurt died?"

"Oh If only…no, they were due to move into their own place the following week, Eddy had plucked up the courage to tell his parents, they were profoundly shocked, but had agreed to join us at the theatre that night…It was a magnificent performance, Kurt seemed to be singing on the wings of love…but then…"

"Heart attack?"

"No, it transpired he had a brain aneurism, there was nothing to be done the coroner said, but I was a doctor and I was a matter of yards from him when he fell. I wish I could have saved him, for his own sake of course, but also for Eddy…he was never the same."

Ducky lapsed into uncharacteristic silence and finished his tea. Gerald used the quiet time to think; he was scared of how Philip's family might react there was no getting away that. But what absolutely terrified him was the prospect of living without the man he loved.

"Ducky…your cousin, did he regret not being with Kurt earlier?"

Ducky's eyes brightened, thinking about Eddy, even after so many years still had the power to elicit tears. "Regret is too weak a word. For a time he spiralled into despair, and we feared we would lose him. In time…which doesn't always heal, but can paper over the cracks, he threw himself into his work. He had trained as a civil engineer, and he travelled to some of the poorest countries in the world, helping with irrigation projects, building hospitals; it was his way of trying to fill the void. I never saw him again, we exchanged letters, a very occasional phone call, he died fifteen years ago, while working on a dam construction, a tragic accident they said…it seemed more like redemption to me. I truly believe that without Kurt he was only half a man." Ducky smiled as he accepted the proffered tissue from Gerald. "Thank you. Gerald, please don't make the mistake of thinking you have all the time in the world, sometimes the end is closer than we think."

Gerald surprised Ducky, and himself, by jumping from his chair and enveloping Ducky in a hug. "You're a great man Donald Mallard, I…I can't stay, there's someone I have to see."

"Then go, don't waste your day listening to an old man blather on."

"Listening to you is never a waste of time Ducky, you're the wisest man I know." He stood at the door and took one last look around the room that had haunted his dreams. "I could have died here; you saved me then and I think you've done it again today. Bye Ducky, I'll call soon!" With a smile and a wave he was gone.

Ducky collected the tea things and put them on the tray, with a deep sigh he started preparations for the working day. As he fastened the buttons on his white coat white coat his hand stilled for a moment. He had told Gerald the truth about the women in his life, to a degree; what he didn't tell him was that there had been one who could have been **the** one…They had spent one glorious summer together, she so full of joy, so vivacious despite already being afflicted by the cancer that was to end her life six all too short months later. He placed his hand on his heart, a heart she had marked indelibly so many years ago. "Ah my dearest Gisella, what a life we might have had."

'The wounds invisible

That love's keen arrows make.'

(_As You Like It:_ Act III Sc v, William Shakespeare)


End file.
